Three Phantoms
by Jungle Jenna
Summary: One camera, three different Phantoms... The many versions of Erik attempt to answer questions posed by fans, in which disaster inevitably ensues.
1. Kerik, Derik, and Lerik

**Three Phantoms**

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_A/N: OK, I'm not really sure where this came from… I've read a lot of parodies in the past that incorporate several different Phantoms meeting. Obviously, madness is bound to ensue. I know the concept of this story isn't entirely unique, but I wanted to branch off and do something different. I've never written a parody before and the last time I wrote fan fiction for the Phantom of the Opera was when I was, like, thirteen. Basically, the three Phantoms I chose to include in this chapter are Susan Kay's, Gaston Leroux's, and the one from the 1991 mini-series starring Charles Dance. I plan to have these be the main three because I'm the most familiar with them, aside from the ALW musical. If I get positive feedback on this chapter, I plan to continue it and incorporate different Phantoms, such as Lon Chaney, ALW stage musical, Gerik, Winslow, Dario Argento's, etc. I hope you enjoy and please let me know what you think! _

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Intro organ music ensues. It promotes an overall feeling of death and depression. The camera focuses on two finely dressed masked men seated on overstuffed armchairs. One dressed in a black silk kimono sips tea with his legs propped up on an elaborately designed Ottoman. The other's hands are folded in a gentlemanly manner on his lap, sitting proud and erect. He wears a beige mask that matches his skin tone.

"Nadir, are we on?" the one clad in black silk inquires.

"Yes, we're live," a thickly-accented voice replies off-screen.

"Oh!" the masked man exclaims, clearing his throat.

When he speaks again, his voice is smooth, deep, and gracious.

"Hello, you're now tuning into _the Three Phantoms, _hosted by myself and the 1991 Charles Dance Phantom,in which we answer any questions you may have about us. And when I say any, I mean _anything. _We consider ourselves to be the humblest of servants to our fans. Unfortunately, Leroux-Erik, or more commonly known as _Lerik, _wasn't able to make it to today's show as he was – er – unavoidably detained. Anyhow, let's move forward and start out with a question from twenty-three-year-old Kristine Day."

_Dear Erik(s),_

_First of all, I'm a HUGE phan of the show!. I haven't missed a single episode yet. My favorite Phantom is, of course, Kerik who is always so sarcastic and sexy. Rawr. Kerik for president! Tell me, who do you believe is the most dangerous, sinister Phantom?_

_P.S. I have dark brown hair, doe eyes, and am looking for a voice tutor. Can any of you guide me in the right direction?_

"First of all," Kay-Erik, or _Kerik, _begins, "I highly doubt your real name is Kristine Day. I suspect you're just another fan girl attempting to emulate my love interest. I also might add that labeling me as 'sexy' makes you seem significantly more drugged-up than me, at the moment. I advise you to save your pretty little breath. Otherwise," he says in a more chipper tone, "we appreciate your support. Now, on to the question. Who is the more sinister Phantom, you ask? I'd say we're all a bit topsy-turvy, don't you agree, Derik?"

"More or less," he replies in a calm, pleasant voice. "I would say I'm the gentlest, kindest Phantom by far. Not to say that I don't have my moments –."

"Indeed," Kerik interrupts, "the worst thing you've done is dump a suitcase full of rats on Carlotta for ruining Christine's debut performance. You certainly live on the edge; although, I must add you received a standing ovation from Phantoms all across the Alternate Dimension for such a daring act. You deserve a gold star, my friend."

"Aside from Kerik and I," Derik begins, "I would say the Phantom most off his rocker is –."

Suddenly, a door swings open and clangs heavily against the stone wall. A dark, masked figure stands ominously in the doorway, soaked from head-to-toe. He walks stiffly to stand beside Kerik and Derik, dripping water all over the Persian rug.

"Lerik!" Kerik and Derik chime simultaneously. "Where have you been off to? Would you care to join us for the show?"

Lerik's abnormal amber eyes eerily glow from behind a full-faced black mask, staring unblinkingly into the camera. Long locks of wet black hair hang limply about his face. He promptly turns and walks to the Louis-Philippe room, closing the door behind him. As soon as they are sure Lerik is out of earshot, they both sigh.  
"He's been swimming in the lake again," Kerik mutters irritably. "We all know what that means. I knew we should've put him in the strait jacket this morning."

"Wasn't the _Love Never Dies _Phantom guest starring today?" Derik whispers. "He should've arrived by now."

Kerik visibly relaxes. "Oh," he says, straightening in his chair. "Now I don't feel as bad."

Derik pinches the bridge of his masked nose. He stands and walks away. Kerik regards the camera seriously.

"Lerik is what you would refer to as our 'troubled' child," he explains. "Derik and I have tried our best to monitor him because there is no way of predicting what he'll do next. We try to distract him with silly things and introduce him to new hobbies, such as the kazoo and the baton instead of a noose. Unfortunately, the kazoo didn't work out as well as we'd hoped…. And of course, I always end up being seen as the bad cop."

Derik returns wearing a Batman mask, which he wears when feeling overly-emotional.

"Lerik created quite a name for himself during his time in Persia," Kerik continues. "I know a great deal about that time because I experienced much of the same thing, except I carried myself with a shred of more dignity. You see, Lerik enjoyed facing his opponents in time to a little music. Everyone knew that if you went up against him in time to MC Hammer's 'Can't Touch This', you were sure to be dead within seconds."

"Wasn't it also to that one song about big butts?" Derik interrupts.

Kerik nods. "Yes, and he also likes 'She's a Maniac' from _Flashdance._ He used to play it all the time on that infernal Just Dance 3. Remember, we were forced to take that away from him too. All because we wanted to watch _A Monster in Paris._"

The camera slowly drifts away as the two continue to jabber about nonsensical things. It reveals the expanse of the tastefully decorated drawing room before zooming in on Ayesha clicking through pictures of her master wearing an open silk robe, revealing a black speedo underneath, on the computer. Apparently, those pictures had been intended for Christine…

"Nadir, where are you wandering off to?"

Suddenly, Kerik's face stuffed in front of the camera, taking up the whole screen.

"We're over here, you imbecile," he snarls. "You're supposed to be filming _us, _not taking a grand tour of the house."

The door to the Louis-Philippe room opens and Lerik emerges wearing dry clothes. He quietly perches himself between Kerik and Derik.

"Nice of you to join us," Kerik greets coolly, glaring at Lerik suspiciously. "Where did you disappear to earlier?"

"Erik was tending to the Siren's will," he replies cryptically.

This response gives everyone pause for thought.

"Shall you answer another question?" Nadir suggests from behind the camera.

"Ah, yes," Derik retrieves another letter – this one pink and scented. "Angelique Winter-haven, thirty-three, asks what we enjoy doing in our spare time. An excellent question! I, of course, prefer to spend my time giving Christine voice lessons. After we have finished for the day, normally we talk for hours, exchanging stories and personal memories. Those private moments where we came to know each other intimately are my best memories."

Kerik clears his throat. "In my spare time, I enjoy watching Christine sleep and I imagine what it would be like to be the shawl covering her luscious body. I love singing with her and taking her for walks as well, but the struggle to maintain physical distance overwhelms me."

Derik shifts uncomfortably in his seat. "That was more than I cared to know."

Lerik's eyes glaze over as he seems to think aloud. "Erik likes to dream what it would be like to have Christine as his wife and to own a house like any other man. All Erik wants is to be loved for himself. If only he could take his wife out on Sundays like any other man, he would be as good and pure as a lamb…. Erik also likes to read E/C fan fiction where they take baths together."

"Good God!" Derik exclaims. "I've had my fill of this today."

He stands and disappears from the camera's view.

"Nadir, don't you dare turn off that camera!" Kerik warns his tone dangerous. "Nadir –!"

The last thing that is seen is Kerik lunging for the camera and attempting to pry it from Nadir's fingers before everything cuts out and turns to static.

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_A/N: I also wanted to mention that if people like this and want it to continue, I'm totally open to incorporating any questions you want to see answered in the segments, or if you would like to see a certain Phantom make a guest appearance. Thanks for reading and please review!_


	2. Winslow and Dario Argento's Phantom

**Three Phantoms**

_A/N: Hello, all. Thank you so much for the positive reviews! I'm really glad most of you included questions you want answered. Even if your question doesn't appear in this chapter, I will end up using it later. All of the questions asked gave me ideas for future chapters. I intend to include **all **versions of Erik at some point throughout the story, sometimes having one appear more than once due to the shortness of each chapter. Also, I forgot to mention something in the last chapter. The part where I describe Lerik going against opponents in time to 'Can't Touch This' and the song about big butts is a reference to a movie. If anyone knows what movie it is, I'll give them a mask-shaped cookie. Happy reading!_

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A violin intro ensues. The camera slowly focuses on a tall, slender figure playing the violin with the grace of a cat. He stops abruptly.  
"Oh, hello," Kerik smoothly greets the camera. "You're now tuning into the latest installment of _Three Phantoms_. Enjoy!"  
The violin music resumes and the scene fades to black. The camera refocuses on three masked men seated at a table. Derik and Kerik drink tea, while Lerik sips a glass of wine. Derik wears a glossy black mask that resembles the shell of a turtle.  
"Good evening, dearest fans," Derik graciously begins. "Today, we have two very special guest appearances: Winslow from _the Phantom of the Paradise _and Dario Argento's Phantom, played by Julian Sands. Welcome!"  
A slender man with long, flowing blond hair appears on camera and takes a seat beside Lerik. Although he is not physically deformerd, he could potentially be the lovechild of Professor Snape and Legolas. Lerik stares at him from the corner of his eyes and fidgets.  
Kerik straightens in his chair and looks around. "Where's Winslow?"

"The last time I saw him, _he _was giving him a tour of the house," Jerk points accusingly at Lerik.

For the first time, Derik and Kerik notice the dirty trowel in his hand. Kerik jumps from his chair and knocks it over in the process.

"What did you do with Winslow?" he exclaims.

Lerik appears quite unperturbed. He tilts his head to the side with a hint of a smile "Winslow? What a curious name indeed!"

Kerik whips out a squirt bottle from thin air. "Tell me now, or else…"

Lerik eyes the bottle warily. Suddenly, a terrible crash and shriek rents the air.

"Pheooonix! Pheooonix!" it calls in a robotic-sounding voice.  
The camera follows as they race to the music room. The doorway looks as if it had been sealed off with a wall of bricks, but whatever lurked inside the room had broken free… Derik, Kerik, and Jerik look inside the room, but Winslow is still nowhere to be found. Another wild, animal shriek issues forth, drawing their attention to a figure wielding a toilet plunger.

"Winslow!" Kerik and Derik cry.

Winslow, who looks like a cross between a Martian and a robot, swings the toilet plunger wildly, aiming at Lerik. A great commotion ensues. The screen flickers to a shot of Lerik pinned against a wall with a toilet plunger stuck to his face. The screen cuts out again.

**Please Stand By.**

"Nadir, are we back on?" Kerik asks.

His hair and mask appear disheveled.  
"Yes, the camera is rolling," Nadir replies, exhaustion evident in his voice.  
"Excellent," Kerik says. He clears his throat. "I apologize to our viewers for that - er - slight inconvenience. Now all is settled and the show must go on! Our first question today came via the Internet. Newbornphanatic asks: "What is your favorite music of the 21st century? Hmm," he taps his chin thoughtfully. "It's all rubbish in my book."  
"I disagree," Derik protests. "I rather like Il Divo and that Jonathan boy who appeared on _Britain's Got Talent_."  
"He was rather good," Kerik admits. "I do enjoy listening to _the Lord of the Rings_ soundtrack from time to time. I also find that after many years of despair and angst, a little New Age music has done some good for me."  
"Erik likes Marilyn Manson and Lady Gaga," Lerik chimes in.  
Heavy chains restrain him to a chair.  
"No one asked your opinion!" Kerik snarls. "Lady Gaga is the new generation's La Carlotta – all act and no soul. The only exception is _Bad Romance _because the lyrics perfectly describe my relationship with Christine."

"Lady Gaga calls her fans 'Monsters'," Lerik continues. "She would be accepting of someone like Erik."

"No, my friend," Kerik replies snarkily, "you would be the one exception."

"I have also found Danny Elfman to be a fine composer," Derik says in an obvious effort to redirect the conversation. "What about you, Winslow? What modern music do you enjoy?"

Kerik and Derik made sure to seat him as far away as possible from Lerik.

"Anything from the 70's," he responds in his odd voice. "Music is much better with the aide of drugs."

"I couldn't agree more!" Kerik exclaims.

"And what about you?" Derik regards Jerik.

"I don't know a lot about music," he admits. "My top three priorities have always been my rats, looking pretty, and sexing up the director's daughter."

Derik clears his throat. "Moving on. The next message is from Million. It reads: ' Where does Lerik get his socks? Does he knit his own or does he extort them off the stagehands?'"  
Lerik kicks off his shoes and looks at his feet.

"How curious!" he exclaims. "Until now, Erik never knew he wore socks."  
"I gave those to you last Christmas, don't you remember?" Derik says. "See the noose knitted into each one? I did that myself because I know how much you like to strangle people."  
"Really?" Lerik glances at his socks again. "Erik thought it meant he was a cowboy."

Derik removes his turtle-shell mask to reveal a red one beneath and braces his forehead.

"Our next question comes from Newbornphanatic. They're wondering if we have any other talents besides music and singing, and if any of us have a particular knack for dancing. The only true dancing queen among us is Lerik. As for me, I spend most of my time composing and giving Christine voice lessons. Aside from that, I'd say my other talents include stalking Christine, annoying Nadir, and getting high. What say you, Derik?"

"Well, I'm rather good at gardening," Derik replies. "I managed to grow a whole backyard in my lair, complete with foraging birds and deer. The little squirrels are so friendly they'll eat right out of your hand! Unfortunately, they're all made of wax…."

Winslow curls back his blue lips and reveals his silver teeth. "Back when I was an ordinary man, before that infernal Swan stole my music and ruined my life, I was an aspiring composer with a dream – a dream than an angel like Phoenix would bring my music to life. Before Swan, I thought my only talents involved music; but when I put on this weird helmet and shiny black suit, suddenly I could break through brick walls, throw lightning bolts at crappy rock stars, and kill a man with a bird mask. It's like this costume gave me superpowers or something. It rules, man!"

Jerik strokes his chin thoughtfully. "I'd say I'm pretty good in between the sheets, whether with a human or a rat. I specialize in interspecies erotica."

Derik, Kerik, and Winslow scoot away from him. Lerik has managed to escape from his bindings and now wears his socks on his hands.

"Erik is good at spreading gossip and creating drama in the world above," he says in a childish voice. "He specializes and delights in chaos."

"Yes," Kerik comments dryly, "that is why we attempt to keep you restrained. It is our gift to humanity."

"Well, that concludes today's episode," Derik claps his hands together in a good-natured manner. Thank you to all for stopping by and bearing with us. It is never a dull moment five cellars below the opera! And thank you to Winslow and Jerik for taking the time from their busy schedules to humor our misadventures. Hopefully, they'll stop by again in the future."

They all force a smile at the camera and wave, except for Lerik. He is still too busy with his socks.

"Is the camera off, Nadir?' Kerik asks.

"Yes, I believe so."

"Good," he breathes a sigh of relief. "I could really use a little morphine right now."

"May I join you?" Winslow inquires.

"Yes, of course, my friend! Come along this way…"

Derik stands and stretches. "Lerik, would you like to accompany Jerik and I? We're going to pay a little visit to the Rat Catcher."

"No, Erik would rather play with his socks."

"Suit yourself," Derik shrugs and leaves with Jerik.

Lerik sits and plays with his socks until the camera dies.

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_A/N: I hope you enjoyed this chapter and please review or ask any more questions you find interesting/entertaining! As I've said, this genre and writing style is completely different from what I'm used to. Also, I wanted to add that the opinions of the different Phantoms don't necessarily reflect my own. I write the characters as I see their personality. I just wanted to add that in case someone might take a joke I made too seriously. This story is meant to be all in good fun. Until next time! _


	3. Gerik

_A/N: I'm back! Sorry for the prolonged update. I'm a full-time college student, so I don't have as much time as I would like to write. I have one month of classes left before I'm free at last! One of the things I love about writing this story is that it's easy and works well with my schedule. I guess that's two things I like… Anyway, I really appreciate everyone's reviews and questions. I really love that I'm able to answer everyone's questions in the context of the story. Keep them coming, please! I had fun writing this chapter. I hope you have fun reading it. :o)_

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_**Three Phantoms**_

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The camera sweeps over a picturesque view of nature. Birds are perched in the tall trees and little squirrels fight over nuts... except none of them are moving. They all appear to be made of wax. The camera comes to focus on Kerik, Derik, and Lerik. Kerik and Derik are sprawled out on a blanket next to a picnic basket. Derik wears his special yellow hat for the occasion. Lerik is not facing the camera. His butt is lifted high in the air.

"What the devil is he doing?" Kerik snaps.

"He's hunting for that gofer again," Derik sighs. "I've told him a thousand times that there are no live animals in this forest, yet he insists that one stole his Twinkie once."

Kerik rolls his eyes with a sigh of exasperation.

"Anywho," Derik claps his hands together, "Welcome to our third installment of _Three Phantoms. _We have a very special guest on today's show. Give a warm round of applause for the 2004 movie phantom: Gerik!"

A male model wearing a half-mask and pirate shirt enters the camera's view. He takes a seat beside Kerik and Derik.

"My God," Kerik breathes, marveling at how Gerik's emerald eyes sparkle in the light. "You're gorgeous!"

Lerik pops his head out of the gofer hole and looks at Gerik with his hair slightly mussed. He points to Gerik's cleft chin in awe.

"Wow, that looks just like what Kerik wipes every morning," he says.

Nadir fails to restrain a chuckle. Kerik glares daggers at Lerik.

"Don't tempt me...," he warns darkly.

"What are you going to do to poor Erik?" Lerik challenges. "Spank him?"

Gerik's eyes bulge.

"What sort of show are you three running here?" he asks.

"A perfectly legitimate one, as long as _those_ two remember tp behave," Derik glares at Kerik and Lerik. "Our first question today comes from Million. They ask what our opinion is of plastic surgery. I myself am not entirely opposed to it. However, I haven't seen my face in so long that my memory of it has become rather dim. Anytime I pull off one mask, another magically appears. See?"

He removes his flesh-colored mask to reveal a red one beneath. Angry eyebrows and a curled mustache give him the appearance of the devil.

"This is my angry mask," he explains. "Lately, it seems I'm wearing this one all the time. Just last week I discovered Lerik has been cleaning the toilet with my toothbrush."

Lerik giggles like a child. "Erik is s sly son of a shepherd."

"I'm not opposed to plastic surgery either," Gerik pipes in.

Kerik tilts his head to the side and regards him quizzically.

"All you seem to need is a little Proactiv for your acne and Bosco for hair regrowth," he says. He gestures to Lerik. "Smeagol here, on the other hand… He's what you would call a lost cause."

Lerik replaces his mask with a pair of fake glasses that are attached to a bulbous nose, a black mustache, and bushy eyebrows.

"Erik doesn't need plastic surgery with this doo-dad," he says. "He saw these advertised on Spongebob Squarepants once, and thought they looked rather spiffy."

The visible side of Gerik's face turns green at the sight of Lerik's unmasked face, and he blows chunks inside the picnic basket.

Kerik shudders and clutches his stomach. "I can't stand the sight of vomit," he groans.

He turns away from the camera and pukes onto the grass.

Derik rushes off-screen; the sound of dry-heaving echoes in the distance. The camera tumbles to the ground as Nadir falls to his hands and knees. The screen turns to static...

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**Please Stand By**

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"We're back on," Nadir says in a weak voice.

The camera focuses on the four masked men. Lerik wears his full-faced black mask once again.

"Shall we answer another question?" Kerik suggests. He trembles like a leaf.

"You never answered the first one," Derik points out.

"What was it again?"

"What are your thoughts on plastic surgery?"

"I wouldn't be opposed to facial reconstruction surgery. I would rather like to look like Daniel-Day Lewis," Kerik says. "That or Dennis Quaid. However, I would be very upset if Christine ever decided to go under the knife. Those who already possess beauty have no use for it."

"The next question is from Phanatic01," Derik reads. "They pose the hypothetical situation that had we not been deformed, we never would have come to live at the Opera House, and therefore would've never met Christine. How do we feel about that?"

They all twitch and grow visibly pale… at least, the parts not covered by a mask.

"I can't even bear the thought," Derik clutches his chest. "Christine is the only light I've known in my life. How do I attempt to comprehend a life beyond her? I suppose that I would've been drawn to the Opera House, regardless of my deformity. I would've encountered Christine and given her voice lessons. Perhaps if I had looked like a normal man, she would've loved me instead of that dratted _Philippe._"

"Who's Philippe?" Gerik asks.

"A direct equivalent to Raoul," Kerik explains. "God knows why they changed his name. He looks almost identical to your Raoul with his long, bouncy locks… If I hadn't been deformed at birth, I would've had sex thirty years earlier. I know that much is certain."

Gerik strokes his butt-chin thoughtfully. "If I wasn't deformed, I would've been quite the devilish rake. Romance writers of the 21st century would have a field day writing thousands of crappy stories about my _gleaming sword_… Oh wait, they already do…"

Lerik scoots closer to Gerik and pets his shoulder absently.

"Erik has always dreamt of owning a puppet named Archie," he sighs. "He would have red hair, freckles, and a little bow tie."

"Couldn't you do that now?" Derik asks.

Lerik shakes his head. "It wouldn't be the same. Oh, Archie, how Erik longs for thee…"

"I shudder to think of the kind of trouble Lerik would get into with a little red-haired puppet," Kerik quips. "Anyway, that is beside the point. I think we all mutually agree that our lives would a cold, dark place if Christine had never been in the picture. Not that our lives aren't already cold and dark…"

There is a murmur of agreement among them.

"Erik wonders what Christine is up to these days," Lerik wonders, his eyes glazed.

"Me too," Derik, Kerik, and Gerik agree.

They are quiet for a long moment.

"She's probably popping out one child after another," Kerik seethes bitterly.

"Perhaps Erik should pay Christine a visit sometime soon," Lerik says.

"Now, now, Erik," Derik chides. "Remember what the Judge said? Christine didn't file that restraining order for nothing."

"Yes," Lerik whispers, "but what the Judge doesn't know won't hurt him…"

"I have a few questions for Gerik," Kerik interrupts, curious. "If you live underground, how are you so tan? Your skin is simply flawless."

"I lie out on the roof of the Opera House during the summer, and I fake bake in the winter," Gerik explains. "I have my own tanning bed in my lair. Lately, I've been using self-tanner to avoid skin cancer. It can be rather messy, though."

The camera zooms in on beige fingerprints that litter Gerik's otherwise immaculate pirate shirt.

Kerik strokes his chin. "Very interesting… I'm curious because I'm in the process of writing a book entitled: _Fear Can Turn to Love. _It's an inspirational self-help manual on how to woo Christine. Since you're the Phantom most widely lusted after, I figured I could pick your brain for a few pointers."

"Surely! It's rather simple," Gerik replies. "All I had to do was purse my lips, swish my cape, and stand behind candles. My Zorro outfit also seemed to have a rather animalistic affect upon Christine and phan girls everywhere. Christine was throwing her stockings at me everywhere I turned. They made a really nice addition to my shrine."

Kerik jots everything down in a notepad.

"When I finish my novel, you'll be the first to receive a signed copy," Kerik promises.

"I believe that concludes today's show," Derik says. "If we didn't answer your question in this installment, it will be answered in later ones. My spidey-sense is telling me that the authoress is stinky and needs to take a shower. Everyone give a warm round of applause for Gerik, and also to Lerik for not attempting to kill him."

Everyone pats Lerik on the back and head. In the distance, a gofer's head pokes out of the ground. It's mouth is covered in what appears to be the remnants of a Twinkie…

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_A/N: I hope you all enjoyed this! Let me know if you did. Until next time..._


	4. Derik, Lerik, and Kerik

_A/N: Hello, everyone! Thank you for the reviews, questions, favorites, and follows. A lot of you have requested Ramin Karimloo to make a special guest appearance. Many of you seem to be familiar with him as the Love Never Dies Phantom, whereas I've only ever seen him in the Albert Hall performance I'll have to watch some you tube videos... I'd like to include him in the next chapter, so I'm wondering what questions you'd like answered. It could be from either the original or the sequel. From now on, I'm going to let everyone know in advance who will be guest starring so you have the chance to have your questions answered sooner than later. I'd also like to do the animated version soon, so hopefully you guys have questions for him too. Enjoy!_

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_**Three Phantoms**_

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A kazoo solo ensues. The authoress isn't quite sure what atmosphere it's supposed to create. The darkness lifts to reveal three masked men seated in a drawing room. Derik and Kerik sip tea as Lerik entertains them with his curious instrument. They clap, obviously relieved, when he decides to take his bow five minutes later.

"A round of applause is in order for that wonderful introduction," Derik graciously begins.

Lerik's eyes beam with rpide.

"Welcome to our fourth installment of _Three Phantoms,"_ Derik continues._ "_Sadly, we won't have any guest appearances today, but there will be more on that subject later. Our first question today is from Milly Cloud. They ask what our perfect birthday gift would be. Hmm," he taps his chin.

"A new mask would be nice… maybe some cookies… and perhaps an alternate end to my story. Yes, the latter would be an ideal birthday gift. How wonderful would it be to know I didn't fall to my death after losing the girl of my dreams to Mr. Fancy Pants? What say you, Kerik?"

Kerik leisurely pets Ayesha. She is struck cross-eyed with pleasure.

"I've never been one for celebrating birthdays, especially since I have no clue when my actual birthday is… but if I were to ask for anything, anything at all, it would be a cake… a simple birthday cake… you know, the type of cake Christine might be able to jump out of…"

Ayesha hisses at the mention of her rival.

"And let me guess what Lerik wants," Kerik says in a dry tone. "Does a little red-haired puppet ring any bells?"

Lerik tilts his head to the side. "That _would _be nice," he agrees dreamily. "However, Erik's birthday wish is quite simple. All he wants is Christine to kiss him on the forehead once more. It was the most beautiful moment of Erik's life when she came to him as his _living _bride… Erik would also like the head of the gofer that stole his Twinkie mounted above the fireplace. That way Erik can eat as many Twinkies as he wants before that beast's beady little eyes."

Derik and Kerik glance at each other sidelong.

"Next question," Kerik announces and rummages through the pile of phan mail. "This one looks interesting… This question is from Phan3145. It says: '_Rumor has it they are making a 2014 version of the Phantom of the Opera. Most agree it's the long awaited Kay version. How do you all feel about Tom Cruise playing the Phantom (including the singing) and do you think it's a hoax or true?'_"

Kerik has become misty-eyed and the letter trembles in his hand.

"Me, on the big screen?" he whispers. "After so many years of signing the movie petition under a vast array of false names? Oh, can it _really_ be true?"

He lifts Ayesha to his face, teary-eyed. "Good news, my dear! We're going to Hollywood!"

"I'm sorry to burst your bubble," Derik interrupts, "but Tom Cruise would be going to Hollywood. Not you."

Kerik slouches in his chair. "Tom Cruise is not nearly tall enough to play me. Will they put him on stilts?"

Derik shrugs. "I don't know. The rumor may not even be true. Let me check…"

Derik pulls out his laptop. It's black and has the mask and rose logo on the front. He surfs the web for a moment.

"The only information I can find is on a message board," he says, tapping his chin. "None of the official web pages say anything on the matter. However, if my sources are correct, Steven Spielberg bought the rights to your story. Why would he buy the rights if he never intended to make it into a movie? Not all hope is lost, my friend."

Kerik hangs his head. "I was so close I could almost taste it… But I would never let that infernal Hollywood hunk masquerade as a disfigured genius. The only man up for the challenge is, quite frankly, _me._"

"Unfortunately, you're just the figment of some British woman's imagination," Derik reasons.

"Way to crush my soul, killjoy," Kerik snaps.

"To be honest, Tom Cruise might have an interesting interpretation of you," Derik says. "Remember when he played that bald, hairy-chested producer in _Tropic Thunder_? He was the perfect mix of crazy and repulsive. He could certainly pull you off!"

Kerik glares at Derik. "Do I look bald, scruffy, and hairy in all the wrong places to you?"

"I see this is going nowhere…" Derik stops when he notices the empty seat beside Kerik. "Where's Lerik?"

Kerik looks around. "He was here a moment ago."

"He wandered off while you two were talking," Nadir's thickly-accented voice says from behind the camera. "Answer another question, please. I don't want any drama."

"Well, aren't we sassy today," Kerik huffs and reaches for another letter.

He reads it and visibly bristles.

"This one is addressed to you, Nadir. The author of the letter is curious about your relationship status. They also want to know if you prefer blondes or brunettes. I won't tell you if they're male or female."

Nadir flips the camera around to face him. Beads of sweat trickle down his face. He clears his throat.

"Well – uh – currently I'm not dating anyone," he mutters nervously. "I-I haven't dated anyone since my wife passed away, aside from a few one-night stands here and there… Perhaps I shouldn't have mentioned that… A-anyway, I don't know if I'm quite ready to be on the market again. As for hair color, I prefer black. On women, that is. Who knows, maybe I should play for the other team sometime –."

"Quit your blubbering, you fool!" Kerik's voice booms. "The show is called _Three Phantoms, _not _Confessions of a Witless Wonder._"

The camera refocuses on Kerik and Derik. Lerik has magically reappeared.

Derik picks up another letter. "This question is from Million. It reads: '_Why can't Gerik sing properly? He sounds like a tone-deaf elephant.'_ Unfortunately, Gerik isn't here today."

"Not a problem," Kerik whips out a black cellphone. "I have him on speed-dial."

The phone rings. Derik, Lerik, and Nadir watch Kerik in anticipation.

"He sent me to voicemail," Kerik announces, slightly irritated. "Christine is probably cheating on Raoul again. She convinced the doctor to tell the poor sap that she can no longer have sex for fear of dying during childbirth. Apparently, he's become a drunk and gambled all their money. Oh! – hello Gerik, this is Kerik from _Three Phantoms. _We had a question for you today from a phan. They want to know why you sound like a tone-deaf elephant. Please call me back in a jiffy. Thanks. Bye-Bye."

He tosses his cellphone aside. "There's no knowing if we'll hear back from him today. He and Christine are too busy creating more illegitimate children that won't discover the true source of their musical genius until Meg accidentally mows her former best friend down."

Derik tears open a new letter. "This next question is from Newbornphanatic. '_Who is your favorite soprano, BESIDES Christine? This can also apply to singers of the 21__st__ century.'_"

Derik scratches his head. "My mother?"

Kerik pinches the bridge of his masked nose. "Who was the name of that Swedish soprano Christine was loosely based on?"

"Christine Nilsson," Derik replies.

"Yes!" Kerik exclaims. "That was her name. She's my favorite soprano, aside from Christine. I never actually heard her perform, but I'm sure she was divine if she was inspiration for my little princess. What about you, Lerik?"

Lerik raises his arm with his index finger pointed to the ceiling. He bends it with each spoken word. "_Erik isn't here right now, Mrs. Torrance,"_ he says in a frog-like voice.

Kerik recoils. "What is this rubbish?"

"_Redrum! Redrum!" _Lerik croaks.

"Oh no, he's having another psychotic episode!" Derik moves quickly to restrain him.

Derik and Lerik wrestle each other in the background as Kerik attempts to wrap up the show. He claps his hands together good-naturedly in an attempt to alleviate the tension.

"I suppose this is an end to today's episode. Please tune in next time for a very special and highly requested guest appearance. Ramin Karimloo's Phantom, otherwise known as _Rerik, _will be joining us. Please be sure to send in any questions you have for him. Until next time!"

The camera tumbles to the floor as Kerik and Nadir rush to assist Derik in restraining Lerik.

"_Redrum! Redrum! Redrum!"_

* * *

_A/N: If you've never watched The Shining, you should at some point in your life. Thanks for reading and please review! I may not update again until next week. Also, I'll be bringing up the mystery of Derik's face again in future chapters. I know one of you asked a question about it. (I'm sorry I don't remember your username off the top of my head. It's three o'clock in the morning and I have to wake up in three hours for school. I'm surprised I can even put sentences together right now.) Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that I intend to answer your question fully. :o)_


	5. Rerik

_**A/N:** Hello, dear readers! I apologize for the long lapse in update. I've had a lot going on recently between finals, traveling, and spending time with visiting family. I haven't forgotten this story and don't intend to quit writing anytime soon, despite how busy my schedule is sometimes. I must say that this is the most enjoyable story I've ever written because it gives me room to be silly and to interact with my readers. I always appreciate those who take the time to give me feedback and provide questions for the context of the story. I hope this latest chapter is satisfying, since Ramin Karimloo is guest starring! _

* * *

_**Three Phantoms**_

* * *

Darkness lifts to a catchy techno beat. There is a strange sequence of shots that include strobe lights, Lerik waving a lasso overhead as he bends his knees and swirls his hips, Derik wearing a neon mask, and Kerik performing spectacular circus stunts with Ayesha. The music fades and the scene changes to Kerik's drawing room. Kerik and Derik are seated before the camera, lounging comfortably on the divan and sipping Russian tea.

"Good evening, dearest fans!" greets Derik amiably. "Welcome to our fifth installment of _Three Phantoms_! Today's episode is very special, as Ramin Karimloo's Erik, otherwise known as _Rerik, _will be joining us."

"Whoopee," Kerik waves an imaginary flag in the air, dead-pan.

"Don't mind him," Derik says. "He's just jealous because Rerik has more fan girls."

"As if!" Kerik exclaims. Suddenly, his attention is directed off-screen. "Lerik, get over here! The show is starting without you."

The camera follows Kerik's line of sight. Lerik appears on screen. He is seated at a computer, typing vigorously. He appears to not have heard Kerik.

Kerik sighs. "Lerik has recently discovered the joys of a fan fiction website. He's been up four days straight writing what he calls _The Adventures of Dobby and Smeagol," _he explains. "He hasn't stopped to eat, drink, or use the bathroom once. His username is review_whore666."

An uncomfortable silence follows. Lerik can be heard typing away in the background.

"Anywho," Derik claps his hands together "Without further ado, I would like to present Rerik – the Royal Albert Hall and _Love Never Dies_ Phantom!"

A man with a white half-mask and expensive-looking evening suit appears on screen. At his side, he carries a mannequin of a woman with dark brown hair. The doll is dressed in a white wedding gown.

"Good evening," Rerik greets. "I hope you don't mind I brought a date. Kerik, Lerik, and Derik, this is Christine 2.0."

Lerik has suddenly appeared on-screen. He moves toward Christine 2.0 with his hand extended with the intention of shaking the doll's hand.

"_My Christine!" _Rerik hisses and shields the mannequin from Lerik. He promptly clears his throat and slicks back his hair. "I apologize. Please excuse Christine 2.0, as she is very shy. Talking to strangers upsets her."

Kerik and Derik exchange glances as Rerik positions Christine 2.0 on the divan, stroking her hair and whispering soothing words. Lerik's golden eyes are rather misty as he watches the pair.

Kerik clears his throat. "Our first two questions are from emeraldphan. The first one reads: _How do you not look any older after 10 years in Love Never Dies_? That is actually a question that even I am curious to know the answer to. For a story that claims to be a legitimate continuation of a beloved classic, your deformity and wrinkles seem to have softened into a spry, boyish glow."

Kerik holds two glossy photographs up to the camera. "As you can see on the right," he gestures to an awkward snapshot of Rerik emptying his garbage in a robe and pair of fuzzy slippers, "this photo was taken by a rabid fan girl in February 2011. Despite the grainy quality of the photo, there is no denying your pasty complexion and sausage lips. You could land a plane on those babies. However, this photo of you from _Love Never Dies, _as indicated on the left, depicts a young, handsome, rugged sex god. Care to explain, Rerik?"

Rerik reclines in his seat and strokes his chin, regarding Kerik shrewdly. "Do I detect a hint of jealousy in your tone, Kerik?"

"Hardly," Kerik sneers. "Despite being nose-less and resembling a rotting corpse, I still know how to drive the fan girls wild. Christine practically swoons every time I demand that she go to her bedroom and lock the door."

"No matter," Rerik waves his hand dismissively. "If I were to disclose my beauty secrets, you know I would have to kill you."

Kerik lifts his chin and puffs out his chest. "Your flimsy piece of rope wouldn't stand a chance against my feline assassin."

Ayesha hisses and bares her fangs for emphasis.

"Gentlemen, please," Derik interrupts. "This isn't a contest. Answer the question and move on, shall we?"

"Fine," Kerik replies coolly.

"I use an anti-aging cream every night before I go to bed," Rerik admits. "The rest you can either give credit to my ingenious skills as a magician or Andrew Lloyd Webber's insatiable desire for a sexy Phantom."

"The second question comes from emeraldphan. It reads: _Why did you get the Trio to lure Gustave away to your Aerie on his own? It looks a bit... suspicious to a modern audience..._"

Rerik appears thoughtful. "At the time, I simply wanted to make contact with my son and Christine. I never intended for my actions to appear suspicious. I suppose I have grown accustomed to maintaining a level of mystery. It seems all of my actions would appear suspicious to a modern audience, or so my therapist tells me. I stalked and kidnapped his mother, for Heaven's sake! I'm just happy I'm in a position where for the first time in my life, I feel like I've made some genuine progress."

As he speaks, he wraps his arm around the mannequin resembling Christine.

"The next question is from Phan3145. It reads: _What is it like to have played all three men in Christine's life? You've played the Phantom, Raoul, and her father (small part as it was) in the 2004 movie._"

"Well," Rerik begins, "I think it goes to show that I'm the one person who knows Christine better than even she knows herself, and is more proof that we're destined for each other. Isn't that right, pookie?" He nudges Christine 2.0 playfully.

"The next question is also from Phan3145. It reads: _Do you prefer the character of Jean Valjean from Les Miserables or the Phantom_?"

Rerik strokes his chin thoughtfully. "It's hard to choose because both characters have their perks," he explains. "I enjoy Jean Valjean because he is able to live a more peaceful and redemptive life after prison, but the drawback is being constantly tracked down by a stuffy police officer, which is probably how Lerik and Kerik feel all the time with the Persian and Nadir."

Kerik chuckles in agreement. Lerik's eyes are trained on a fly buzzing around the space above his head. With cat-like reflexes, he snatches the fly from mid-air and holds the dead insect in his palm for closer inspection.

"I resent that!" Nadir interrupts from behind the camera. He points an accusing finger at Kerik and Lerik. "Those two need daily supervision for a reason."

Kerik waves his hand dismissively.

"However," Rerik continues," I enjoy the Phantom because he wears big hats with feathers, swirling capes, owns a gondola, and gets to seduce a pretty girl. The obvious drawback is being horribly disfigured and smelling like death."

"The next question is from yapqin. It reads: _Er… Rerik, you were good during the Royal Albert Hall performance, but please explain what you were thinking during Love Never Dies_?"

"Well," Rerik begins uncertainly, "I thought I could move on from Christine after I let her leave with her _suitor._ After we sucked face, I thought I knew the true meaning of love and I was prepared to carve myself a new life if it meant giving Christine true happiness. Ten years later, I found myself in a rather precarious position. Life had taught me that a person couldn't get away with eating Coney Island chili dogs and cheese fries without eventually turning into a blimp. My life was pathetic. I spent every night singing to a big-ass portrait of Christine. After I was banned from every dating website on the Internet, I created Christine 2.0 to alleviate the pangs of loneliness – but a mere doll was nothing compared to the passion I had once experienced beneath a moonless sky. Little did I know, my life would soon become something akin to the Days of Our Lives. I suppose what I'm trying to say is that I learned absolutely nothing from my misadventures in the Opera House."

"The next question is from Milly Wonka," Derik begins. "It reads: _Why did you say the famous "we can't all be like Christine" phrase to Meg? Considering that if you hadn't said that, Christine would still be alive..._

"But… what I said before is true," Rerik protests, his eyes as wide and glossy as a child's. "We _can't_ all be like Christine. She is too magnificent. Meg was simply a nutcase who couldn't cope with her own mediocrity."

Kerik and Derik nod in agreement. Lerik pumps his first in the air. "Team Christine!" he shouts.

"Our next question is from Newbornphanatic. It reads: _What do you think of the other fan fictions that are alternate Love Never Dies stories_?"

"I'm completely fine with them, as long as Christine doesn't die, I remain the tragic hero, and Raoul continues to be a drunken, gambling wife-beater."

"Our next question is from Million. It reads: _Does Rerik prefer capybara or kangaroo meat? Have any of the phantoms had exotic or strange (well, what an Asiatic girl considers strange) food_?"

"I don't believe I've had either of those meats, but the strangest food I've ever tried is Arctic seal, although they did make very nice winter boots. What about you Kerik, Derik, and Lerik?"

"Tofurky," Kerik replies immediately. "It tasted like meat-flavored Jell-O. It brought a rather swift end to my brief stint as a vegetarian."

"Sadly, I've never had the opportunity of wandering beyond the Opera House," Derik explains. "I've lived underground my entire life. Perhaps one day I'll be able to travel the world and taste an array of exotic foods."

"Erik roasted rats over a campfire with the Rat Catcher once," Lerik answers simply. "It tasted like chicken."

Kerik shrinks away, revolted. "Disgusting," he exclaims.

"It appears all of our questions have been answered for today," Derik says. "If you submitted a question that didn't appear in our show, please speak up so we'll be able to include it in future installments. We're the most humble and obedient servants to our fans. Hopefully, you enjoyed Rerik's guest appearance on today's show. Now, please stand by as we perform spectacular stunts."

The fast-paced techno music resumes. Rerik salsa dances with Christine 2.0. Lerik does some sort of intricate tap dance. Ayesha fires a cannon, sending Kerik flying through the air. He crashes into Nadir and they tumble to the floor. The screen cuts to static.

* * *

_**A/N:** I would like to add that any of the opinions expressed in this story don't necessarily reflect my own. I just hope that no one ever becomes offended. This story is all about poking fun at things. The fan fiction Lerik is writing is an idea my fiancé gave me. It belongs to him, not me. Also, I plan to include three different versions of Christine in the next chapter, something I've been looking forward to since I started. I'm including Kerik, Lerik, and Derik's version of Christine, so please ask any questions you may have for them. _

_Once again, sometimes it's very hard to keep track of questions I've already answered, If you asked a question that hasn't made it so far, please let me know. I want to answer everyone's questions! Thank you for reading – please let me know what you think! _


	6. Christine One, Two, and Three

_A/N: Hello, dear readers! Sorry for the long overdue update. I hope you enjoy this latest installment. Happy reading!_

* * *

_**Three Phantoms**_

* * *

The scene opens to Derik, Kerik, and Lerik scrambling frantically throughout the house, evidently doing a little last-minute cleaning. Lerik is arranging nearly one-hundred flower baskets around the sitting room, a spray bottle in hand. Derik is using a feather duster to polish their collection of instruments, wearing a flowered apron over his recently pressed evening suit. Kerik emerges from the kitchen with a plate of steaming hot hors d'oeuvres. He removes his oven mitts to arrange fruit on a large, multi-tiered platter and to light scented candles.

"The Christines are guest-starring today," Nadir explains from behind the camera.

Kerik, Derik, and Lerik assemble in the middle of the room and begin to shake the wrinkles out of their suits.

"Nadir, how do we look?" Kerik inquires in a breathless voice.

"Splendid!" Nadir replies encouragingly. "Like proper gentlemen!"

Kerik clutches his stomach nervously. "Oh, I've got butterflies!" he moans. 'I feel like a dratted schoolboy again!"

"I don't see what you're so nervous about," Derik shrugs. "_Your _Christine practically throws herself at your feet every time you walk into a room. It makes me sick."

"Erik is so nervous, he had diarrhea last night," Lerik chirps.

Derik grips Lerik's shoulder. "That's all fine and rosy, Lerik," he says, "but for the love of God, please don't mention that in front of our love interests when they arrive."

The doorbell rings. Chopin's 'Funeral March' resounds through their bat cave.

"Oh my All the Higher Powers I Don't Believe In!" Kerik exclaims. "What do we do?"

"Dear Allah!" Nadir huffs and stalks to the front door.

Derik, Kerik, and Lerik nervously cluster together. Kerik bites his fingernails, Derik clears his throat and straightens his cravat, and Lerik sneaks a chicken wing while the others aren't looking.

"Why hello!" Nadir greets jovially. "Come in, come in! The men are waiting inside. Wait – aren't there supposed to be three of you?"

"Oh, Erik almost forgot!" Lerik claps his hands to his face and promptly disappears from the camera's view. A door is heard opening and closing.

A second later, two women appear on screen.

*Cue wild fan boy screaming*

One is slender and willowy with fluffy, blonde hair and a sweet, innocent face. The other is dark-haired and fair-skinned, and is dressed in a red, off-the-shoulder gown.

"Maestro!" the first woman throws her arms around Derik's neck, catching him off guard.

He staggers backward before tentatively returning her embrace.

Kerik stares at Kristine, eyes as round as saucers, drool dangling from one corner of his mouth. As she approaches him, Ayesha hisses and attempts to wriggle out of the confines of her strait jacket. Kerik expects his great love to kneel before him and call him 'Master' in tones of breathless ecstasy, as she usually does, but instead she lifts her nose in the air and offers him her lacy hand.

"Erik," she greets formally, "we meet again."

Kerik frowns. "So," he begins, "how is that child I impregnated you with?"

Kristine is startled by his question. 'Excellent," she replies shakily, "a child prodigy and musical genius, just like his father. What else would you expect from glorified Phantom fan fiction?"

A moment later, Lerik reappears with a limp, golden-haired woman draped over his shoulder. He settles her in a chair and binds her wrists with a thick rope.

"The chloroform should be wearing off soon," Lerik announces.

Everyone stares at him.

"Did you just –," Derik points to a place outside the camera's limits, his tone disbelieving.

"No," Lerik waves him off, "Christine has been here a few days already. She wasn't responding to Erik's calls or e-mails, so he merely snuck through her bedroom window and – _collected _her..."

The golden-haired woman stirs and slowly opens her eyes. "Raoul – ?" she murmurs sleepily.

Lerik kneels before her. "No, my dear," he replies, his golden eyes sad. "It is only your poor, unhappy Erik."

Christine's eyes snap open in horror. "Oh no!" she shrieks. "Not again! Didn't I file a restraining order against you?"

"Yes, my delectable crumpet," Lerik breathes, "It's a sign of Erik's undying love that he is willing to forsake the law for his sweet angel!"

Christine begins to scream and then faints. Lerik fans her and splashes ice water on her face.

"Anyway," Derik clears his throat, "shall we take a seat and begin?"

Derik's Christine smooths out her dress and smiles sweetly at him, as they settle beside each other on the couch.

"Erik, if you love me, will you pass the mini pizzas?" she asks.

"Certainly, my dear," he passes her a silver tray of hors d'oeuvres. He clears his throat again. "The first question is for Kristine, from Phanatic01. It reads as follows: _Were you completely aware of what you were doing when you and Kerik *cough* you know… I mean, do you know whether or not you were in the same trance-like state you were in when you first went down to his home?"_

Kristine bites into a strawberry and juice spurts out, dribbling down her chin. Kerik's eyes follow the juice's path, his mouth agape.

"Of course I knew what I was doing," she says, reclining prettily on the divan. "If I were in the same trance-like state, as you put it, I would've seen unicorns and homeless men shouting obscenities at me. During the six months Kerik and I were separated, I read a feminist how-to book called '_Why Men Love Bitches'. _Phoenix – you know, from _The Phantom of the Paradise_ – let me borrow it. It really helped me make sense of the male-dominated society I've been oppressed by since my youth. After that, it was much easier to take what I wanted without feeling guilt or shame."

Kerik leans forward. "It might interest you to know, my dear, that I'm much more limber than I once was, considering I'm no longer on the brink of death. If there was ever anything you lacked, it was good timing. However, if you'd like to take a gander – ."

"Humph!" Kristine crosses her arms and turns up her nose. "I'm no slave to the Evil Penis establishment! What kind of girl – no, _woman_ – do you take me for?"

"The kind of woman who makes me a sandwich," Kerik deadpans.

Kristine jumps up from the divan. "Well, how about a nice glass full of _women's rights_!" she throws a glass of red wine in his face.

Kerik splutters and coughs, as he stands to face her. A moment of tense silence ensues. Kerik's eyes bug out, his lips draw back in a snarl, his fists clench… To everyone's surprise, especially Kristine's, Kerik's lips descend on hers in a fit of savage passion. Her empty wine glass shatters on the Persian carpet, as her arms swing around his neck. He whisks her away, like a fat kid with a chocolate bar.

*Insert corny montage of blooming flowers, erupting volcanoes, and rockets blasting off*

"Well," Derik begins, "now that we've gotten rid of them… Moving on! This question is from Phan3145. They ask Lerik's Christine: _Do you find it pathetically ironic that you and Raoul are 'soul mates' and you two look exactly alike? (i.e., blond hair, blue eyes, girly hair.)_"

Lerik has used bath salts to rouse Christine. She glares from Lerik to the camera.

"I don't find it too ironic," Christine shrugs against her restraints. "It's rather common for couples to look alike, isn't it? People are naturally attracted to what is most familiar to them. Or at least, that's what some claim. Raoul is my soul mate because he always appeared during times of my life when I needed him most. He helped me during a particularly terrifying part of my life, in which I was relentlessly stalked by a deranged madman. Most men wouldn't bother with a girl in such a predicament. He's sweet, kind, and brave. That is the best any girl can hope for, I think."

Lerik's two index fingers are jammed in his ears and he hums softly, a dazed look in his golden eye.

"This next question is also from Phan3145 for Lerik's Christine. It reads: _Did you feel even the tiniest bit of disappointment when you found out Lerik had died because of you?_"

Lerik's humming ceases. He appears rather startled. "Erik dies?"

"Yes, don't you remember?" Derik asks. "Kerik and I found you roasting hot dogs with Satan and his henchmen. You and the Big Guy Downstairs were debating politics. It was lucky we saved you because Satan was getting pretty close to roasting you, as well. And if it's any consolation, Kerik and I die too."

Lerik wraps his arms around himself and rocks back and forth.

"To answer the question," Christine interrupts, "I was very saddened by the announcement of Erik's death in the paper. I kept my promise and returned to his body to give back the gold wedding band and to offer a proper burial. Erik never thought anyone would mourn him in death, hence the coffin and red hangings in his bedroom, but he was wrong. I was prepared to stay with Erik and be a dutiful wife to him for the rest of his days, but in an act of selflessness, he allowed me to choose my destiny because he deemed my happiness as higher in value than his own life. Words cannot describe how grateful I am to him for his mercy. I wish he hadn't died, I wish he'd been loved throughout his life the way people are meant to be, and I wish him to find peace. At first, I tried very hard to help him, thinking it would make a difference, but I soon realized that Erik's wounds were far too deep for a single person to take on."

Lerik buries his face in Christine's lap.

"Now, however," she concludes, "it seems I'm in the same pickle as I was before!"

"Phan3145 has one last question for you," Derik says. "It reads: _Why do you constantly faint? Lerik wasn't THAT scary at times, right?"_

Christine appears unsure. "Well, Erik isn't scary _all _the time – well, except for that one time he tried to make me rip his face off with my bare hands… and that other time he threatened to blow up a quarter of Paris if I chose Raoul over him… and the times he kidnapped me and smelled like death… and that time he gave me a piggy-back ride and told me to call him 'Pinto' – but, oh, there is one memory of him that will be burned in my brain for the rest of eternity. During my first captivity, in an effort to entertain me, he dressed up like a character from _Cats _and performed an acrobatic routine in time to _Super Freak. _Oh, I can't even bear –."

Christine faints again.

"Erik rather liked that routine," Lerik muses. "_She's a very kinky girl, the kind you don't take home to mother…" _

"This next question is for you, dear one," Derik regards the little slip of a thing beside him. "It's from Phan3145. It reads: _Did you ever think: 'Hey, this guy is a sweetheart. He's never hurt me, he kept his promise, and gave me voice lessons, which is something Philippe didn't do, and after Carlotta embarrassed me on stage, he comforted me and basically KILLED himself to keep me happy?'_ Actually, that is something I'd like to know myself!"

Derik's Christine smiles sweetly and gazes at him with doe eyes. "I was just a simple little country girl," she soothes. 'I didn't know any better. If you truly love me, you would understand that."

Derik visibly softens. "Well," he sighs, "I suppose you're right."

The sound of blades and pitchforks sharpening and torches being lit by thousands of phan girls echoes distantly in the air.

Kerik and Kristine reappear in the camera's line of vision. They sit next to each other on the divan, their hair and clothes disheveled. They whisper, and giggle, and feed each other fruit. Lerik and Derik glare at them, their eyes narrowed in envy.

"Nice of you two to grace us with your presence," Derik sneers. "Anywho, this next question is from Newbornphanatic. It reads: _Kristine, what was it like to kiss Kerik? Admit that you're jealous of the cat!_"

Kristine's face grows rosier than it already is, and she bursts into a new fit of giggles. She turns around and glares rather smugly at Ayesha who, at this point, is practically foaming at the mouth.

"Well, I suppose that answers the question. This next one is also from Newbornphanatic. It reads: _Do you ever do girl stuff instead of music, because I hardly ever see you have a fun night out._ This applies to all three Christines."

Lerik's Christine has awoken. "I rarely ever go out because I'm afraid that any man who spares me a passing glance will have a poisonous dart shot into the side of his neck," she glances at Lerik knowingly.

"It's time for Christine to go back to sleep," Lerik reaches out and closes her eyelids with his fingers. "There, there, my dear. Little Christine is cranky and doesn't know what she's talking about."

"I like to sing to the little critters in Derik's forest and pretend I'm a wood nymph," Derik's Christine says in an airy fairy voice.

Kristine gazes at Kerik through her long, dark lashes. "I believe I just demonstrated my preferred extracurricular activities," she purrs.

Kerik's eyes widen. "Check, please!" he cries happily.

The two of them start going at it again, and they roll off the divan in a heap.

"They sound like dolphins," Lerik muses.

Derik nudges them sharply with the toe of his shoe. "Hey, get out of the water you two! The next question is from Phan3145. It reads: _Since you obviously didn't choose your Erik because there was something you just couldn't overlook about him, are there any OTHER versions of Erik that you would have chosen over your own Raoul?_"

"No!" Kristine's head pops into view. "If Erik hadn't been such a little druggie his whole life, maybe he and I would've had a better chance together!" She disappears once more.

Derik's Christine tilts her head to the side and regards him innocently. "If you truly love me, you wouldn't expect me to answer that."

Derik rubs her back. "It's all right, my love. I understand."

Lerik watches Christine expectantly, who is looking more uncomfortable by the minute. "I'm not sure," she says. "Derik, perhaps?"

Lerik jumps to his feet in an instant. He points a skeletal finger at Derik, his eyes wild. Suddenly and without warning, he hurls himself through the front door. Splashing is heard in the distance.

"Great!" Derik buries his masked face in his hands. "Now he's going to murder me in my sleep!"He sighs heavily. "The next question is from Phanatic01. It's for you, my dear," he glances up at his Christine. "_How do you feel about Derik being in love with you, even though you are the spitting image of his mother?"_

Christine smiles again, her voice soft. "I would tell him that if he loves me, like he says he does, he would consult a psychologist."

Derik regards her appraisingly. "Sound advice from a wise woman," he says. "This next question is also for you, my angel. It's from newbornphanatic and it reads: _Would you find Derik sweet or menacing, if he was you husband? Because, admittedly, he was a gentleman."_

"He would be the sweetest husband a girl could ask for," she bats her eyelashes, much to Derik's delight. "In fact, sometimes I honestly don't know why I married Philippe. There's nothing that explains how we even ended up together. I send a lot of mixed signals that tend to confuse everyone, including myself."

"This last question is for Lerik's Christine," Derik continues. "It's from newbornphanatic. It reads: _What do you think of the fan fiction stories of you and Erik together, and what do you feel about the phan girls calling you a tart (a hoe), and Raoul a wimpy wannabe hero?"_

Christine pales considerably. "For the past few months, Erik has been sending me chapters of his fan fiction, _The Adventures of Dobby and Smeagol. _I shudder to think what others have possibly written about Erik and me. As for the latter, I would say those are unfounded accusations. Compared to the ALW musical Christine, who sings of unspoken secrets with a man while engaged to another, and Susan Kay's Christine, who is the stuff of bodice-ripping romance novels, I would say I am the _least _hoe-ish one of all. As for Raoul, he risked his life to save mine and based on my standards, that is far from wimpy or wannabe. These phan girls, as you call them, must be mistaking my dear, sweet Raoul for the simpering Duke from Moulin Rouge!"

At that moment, the front door bangs open and three blonde, finely dressed men enter the room. Kay's Raoul takes one look at Kerik and Kristine tangled together like a human pretzel and walks out the door.

"I've had it with her philandering BS!" he mutters darkly.

Derik's Christine jumps to her feet.

"Philippe!" she cries in delight.

"Wait, what about me?" Derik asks, standing to block her way.

She picks up an empty wine glass and breaks it on the table, holding the jagged edge up so it glints menacingly in the candlelight.

"Erik, if you love me," she warns through gritted teeth, "you will let me pass."

Without a second thought, Derik steps aside and watches miserably as she and Philippe float away on the Phantom Express (coming soon to a theme park near you!)

"Christine!" another Raoul, one with curly blonde hair and a small mustache, runs forward to unbind his wife.

"Oh, Raoul!" she cries. "I never thought I'd see you again! How did you find me?"

"There was a Twinkie wrapper beside your bed," he explains breathlessly. "Once I saw it, I knew there could be only one person responsible for your disappearance…"

That someone was standing directly behind him.

"Leaving so soon?" Lerik cackles, with a spray bottle in hand.

"Leave my wife alone!" Raoul bellows, his fists clenched.

Lerik sprays the front of Raoul's trousers. "Christine won't want you, now that she knows you wet your pants!"

Raoul pushes up his shirtsleeves and advances on Lerik. "Why I oughta –."

Lerik whips out a boom box from thin air. "Erik is a great magician!" he cackles like an old witch, and presses the black 'play' button.

'Can't Touch This' by MC Hammer blasts through the speakers.

"Erik will shake your bouncy booty!" Lerik snaps his Punjab lasso like a whip, a mad gleam in his eye.

The camera tumbles to the floor, as Nadir rushes forward. The last clear image is of him leaping on Lerik's back, before everything turns to static.

* * *

_A/N: Okay… so I'm not sure what I think of this chapter… Please let me know what you think! I know many of you asked questions that weren't answered in this installment, but I decided to save them for the next chapter because there were so many questions for the Christines, alone. I'm sorry I've been so M.I.A. this summer. I've been busy with visiting relatives, family reunions, school, work, and the like. I'm not sure which Phantom to have guest star next, so let me know who you'd like most to see. :o)_

_Also, as a side note, I'm aware that I made Derik's Christine out to be very… witchy, for lack of a better word. I happen to really like that version of The Phantom of the Opera and think Teri Polo did a wonderful job of capturing Christine's naiveté, but I'll admit that she does some rather hurtful things to Derik and I never quite know what her relationship is with him. I just don't want anyone to be offended by my portrayal of certain things, because it's all just poking fun at things. _

_Lerik's last line and the MC Hammer song is a reference from Kung Pow, which is a delightful parody of Kung Fu movies. _


End file.
